Wednesday, July 1, 2009

resurfacing

I don't know what it is--maybe all the writing I've been doing, maybe all the thoughts that seem to be constantly zipping through my head, maybe the hormones that are pulsing through every inch of me--but the grief has been resurfacing a bit this week.

All week I have been feeling uncomfortable in my body. Stir crazy, almost, except that I can't escape it, it follows me everywhere. I get incredibly angry at the tiniest things, just like the early days. The house is a disaster and needs to be unpacked, cleaned, vacuumed, and yet I can't bring myself to be remotely productive. I did 2 loads of laundry today (well, more like 1 and a half) and justify to myself that at least I accomplished something.

And then I read and remember and cry, and yet I can't cry as hard as I want to. And then I get angry at myself because there is the new baby fluttering in my belly, and I should be rejoicing in these moments, cherishing them, because next week we learn whether this baby is healthy, and the world could easily come crashing down again, just like that. The wait is agonizing, because do I even really want to know? Certainly if there is bad news to be heard, I would rather pass.

I am tired. Pregnancy is wearing me out, even though I have had an easy one so far, and I am frustrated since I went through all of this not so long ago and all I got was a tiny box of ashes and a big gaping hole in my heart. I want to scream at the next person who tells me how much my life is going to change, how hard it's going to be when the baby comes. I doubt it will be worse than giving birth to a dead baby. I want to tell them that I will gladly, enthusiastically, give up every second of my free time to tend to a screaming baby with a fully functional body. Don't talk to me about hard times until you have held your child's cold body and lived to tell about it.

And since I have been spending so much time wasting my day on the internet, I came across someone who just received a poor prenatal diagnosis and has decided to carry to term. Which is, of course, a completely admirable choice that I respect totally. But then I read all the comments, everyone commending her for making the "right" choice, for being so brave, and I started to get angry. While it may be the right choice for her, there is no overall, black and white, right and wrong about the decision that was handed to her (us). And why is it that those people who choose to carry to term, no matter what the outcome, are celebrated and praised for their bravery and strength, while the rest of us, the ones who make the other choice, are quiet, usually giving few details about our situation for fear of being judged by even our closest friends and family? What is THAT? Are we not equally strong and brave in making the choice to let our sweet, much loved babies go? What is the right choice for one person may not be so right for the next, and it often shocks me that so much of our society is so small minded that they cannot fathom such a basic concept.

I am getting to that point in my healing where I want to be a voice, I want to make people understand, I want people to realize just how common it is. And at the same time, I wish I didn't have to. I wish I was nursing a 6 week old, not knowing that it all could have been different.

Maybe a shower will wash some of this insanity out...

5 comments:

margaret said...

Although my situation is different then yours in alot of ways, I made the decision to remove my son from life support and let him go at six days old. It's terrible and tragic the things we do out of love. No one can judge your situation unless they've been in your shoes, felt what you've felt, loved what you've lost...We don't judge you, we grieve with you. I can't imagine anyone condemning you for letting your baby go with love rather than letting her suffer. No matter how it happens, it's still a sorrowful end to a much anticipated time and your heart breaks regardless. I admire your candor, your refusal to pretty up things to please the people who read your blog. It's the way it should be...Hugging you

Rikki said...

Hi i just found your blog. I think that the only person that really knows what is the right or wrong thing to do is the person making the decision. Making a decision to protect your baby from any pain is such a brave thing to do and no one should be judged for being so un selfish and thinking about what is best for your baby.
take care xx

Googies Girl said...

Your writing are so very touching & a complete truth of how I feel. I'm so glad I found you here.
I understand exactly how you are feeling. Thank you for voicing what I am to scared to say in regards to the "right choice". I get angry to think some would feel the decision we made makes us less brave. It took everything I had in me to make that decision. I instantly feel judged, like an outsider & that I am an advocate for the "wrong" choice. I want to open their eyes to the fact that letting go is also an incredible, unselfish act of bravery & love. I feel I am less of a person, a christian, a mother when I see those who carry to term have hundreds of comments & prayers daily. While blogs with our suject matter may have a few followers at best. But I would never judge them for their decision to carry to term & I lend my heartfelt support regardless. Sadly, I just don't think many of them (not all) feel the same for those in our special situation. The second the "T" word is spoken, many shut down and don't want to get involved in the mess. It leaves us alone, shamed and in constant fear of judgement. I feel many times when I come across a blog of a woman carrying to term, that I may not be welcome. That they will link to my blog and then say "oh... she is one of them", and that my concern, well wishes & prayers for them aren't truly heartfelt. It's hard. I understand and have felt this way many, many times while reading blogs.
I'm so sorry things are tough right now. It does "come & go" at times & that blog probably hit a very tender nerve. But good for you for writing it out so perfectly & honestly. Your in my thoughts & prayers today.
xoxo,
Marian

Dana said...

I just found your blog from a comment you left on someone else's blog. I know how you feel. My husband wants me to go to a grief support group at church, but I know that I will not be accepted there because I let Raelyn go. We chose not to carry her to term because I couldn't bear the thought of her living her entire life in pain in a hospital. Our last church made me feel like me grief was unjustified because I made the choice. My most recent posts as a part of the Walking With You series are the first times I have mentioned termination because I had been made to feel ashamed by so many people in real life. Your blog is only the second one that I have found where you are walking this same path. We parallel the stories of so many others who chose to carry to term, but I feel like they are walking up on the edge of the embankment and we have to walk in the mud of the river bed. Same path through the same grief and yet totally different. I cried through your post "Termination" because it is all of the things that I have been too afraid to admit, even to myself.

Thank you for having the courage to speak here.

God Bless,
Dana

Hope's Blog said...

I think both choices are the most difficult choice you will ever have to make. There are times when I wish I had terminated my pregnancy. I just don't know for sure whether or not she will make it and I worried about the 'what ifs' so long that terminating was no longer an option. Making the decision to terminate is a choice no one should have to make and I think you are courageous for making the decision.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.