Thursday, July 9, 2009

the 9th again

Today is six months. Six months since we said goodbye. Can it really have been half a year already since I held you, since I let you go? The significance of today rushed in early this morning, as I was getting ready for work. The tears hovered in the corners of my eyes, but I did not have time for them then.

Work was too quiet, far too little distraction, and the tears continued to spring up in unexpected moments of silence with a persistence that they haven't had in months. I was barely able to get on top of them, and I realized that I was feeling that weight again, the gravity of everything that has happened, everything I am missing.

I am trying to shake myself free of this weight, as I should really be rejoicing. We found out this week that your sibling is, in fact, a brother, and so far, he is healthy. He flaunted his beautiful spine and healthy brain, and while I am beyond thrilled that I will have the honor of chasing after him as he makes use of those fully functional legs, I feel as if I am grieving the loss of you all over again.

If I am in fact capable of making a healthy baby, why not you? Why couldn't you have had a healthy brain and a beautiful spine too? There is still so much guilt there.

We always imagined we would have a daughter first, and we did, I just never realized it would be like this. I didn't know that we would never get to raise you, that we would have to say goodbye without ever getting a chance to know you. I never dreamed that I would be telling your brother about a sister he will never meet.

I miss you.


margaret said...

Our six months was devastating too. I couldn't believe I had survived this long without my son. Thank goodness for new beginnings and a healthy baby boy. I often wonder why my son was put together with such a severe heart defect while his twin sister was perfectly healthy. I will never know why. So, until I see him again, I love her for the both of them. Hugs to you

Googies Girl said...

Six months was very hard to face. I remember thinking I'm half way there and I don't feel ANY better. The further away we got the more people wanted to forget and push us to move on. My 9th, is the 25th. I dreaded the 25th of every month. The first year feel like such limbo, further from the day, closer to the 1 year anniversary. This new little one has a very special angel watching out for him. I'm so happy the appointment went well & all is going well.

Much much love to you and know your always in my thoughts & prayers.