Today is six months. Six months since we said goodbye. Can it really have been half a year already since I held you, since I let you go? The significance of today rushed in early this morning, as I was getting ready for work. The tears hovered in the corners of my eyes, but I did not have time for them then.
Work was too quiet, far too little distraction, and the tears continued to spring up in unexpected moments of silence with a persistence that they haven't had in months. I was barely able to get on top of them, and I realized that I was feeling that weight again, the gravity of everything that has happened, everything I am missing.
I am trying to shake myself free of this weight, as I should really be rejoicing. We found out this week that your sibling is, in fact, a brother, and so far, he is healthy. He flaunted his beautiful spine and healthy brain, and while I am beyond thrilled that I will have the honor of chasing after him as he makes use of those fully functional legs, I feel as if I am grieving the loss of you all over again.
If I am in fact capable of making a healthy baby, why not you? Why couldn't you have had a healthy brain and a beautiful spine too? There is still so much guilt there.
We always imagined we would have a daughter first, and we did, I just never realized it would be like this. I didn't know that we would never get to raise you, that we would have to say goodbye without ever getting a chance to know you. I never dreamed that I would be telling your brother about a sister he will never meet.
I miss you.
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Born silently into this world on January 9th, 2009. A tiny girl who changed everything without ever taking a breath.
Layla's name from the Names in the Sand memorial site
Layla Wren
Born silently into this world on January 9th, 2009. A tiny girl who changed everything without ever taking a breath.
Always Remembered
Layla's name from the Names in the Sand memorial site
This Place
This is an outlet for the thoughts, the memories that swim in my head at every moment. This is a place to tell my story. This is a way to share my pain with others who have been there...or not. This is a window into my journey as I rediscover who I am and what I am becoming after the loss of my first child.
Honored...
2 comments:
Our six months was devastating too. I couldn't believe I had survived this long without my son. Thank goodness for new beginnings and a healthy baby boy. I often wonder why my son was put together with such a severe heart defect while his twin sister was perfectly healthy. I will never know why. So, until I see him again, I love her for the both of them. Hugs to you
Six months was very hard to face. I remember thinking I'm half way there and I don't feel ANY better. The further away we got the more people wanted to forget and push us to move on. My 9th, is the 25th. I dreaded the 25th of every month. The first year feel like such limbo, further from the day, closer to the 1 year anniversary. This new little one has a very special angel watching out for him. I'm so happy the appointment went well & all is going well.
Much much love to you and know your always in my thoughts & prayers.
xoxo,
Marian
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