Saturday, June 11, 2011

babies, babies, everywhere

I have a baby bug today. I think it's because I am about to ovulate, and suddenly tiny babies are everywhere and bringing up that unmistakable pull of longing that I started feeling years ago. This time, however, I have two feet firmly planted in the reality of parenthood and know that I am definitely not ready for another just yet. A newborn, maybe, but not so much the stages that follow. I am just enjoying the return of full nights of sleep too much right now.

I do dream sometimes of another surprise pregnancy, conceived at the end of August of course. With a due date in May. And it will be a girl and she will be healthy this time. And maybe some part of me believes that this will bring her back, like I can hit the reset button and do it all over again and this time she will come home with me. I can't believe that these little bits of craziness still linger, two and half years later, but they do. There is still a part of me that feels unfinished. The truth is that no matter how many babies I go on to have, that feeling will probably still be present. It reminds me of the term that was used in genetic counseling: "interrupting the pregnancy." Not ending it. It's like my body/heart/whatever didn't get the message. It still wants to go back and finish what it started.

I do feel another baby waiting to join us, but I am letting her wait awhile (yes, I feel that it will be a girl, just like I knew Orrin would be a boy!). I have a few things to do before I can think about inviting another soul to share my body again, including giving my heart the space to continue healing so that I can just maybe enjoy pregnancy a little bit the next time around.

Orrin noticed Layla's picture for the first time the other day. He pointed and said "baby." Eventually I will have to tell him about his sister. I can't wait to hear what he has to say, being the closest to that other side where I imagine her to be.

1 comment:

Hope's Mama said...

I can so relate to this, though I have already taken the plunge in to that next pregnancy. We got pregnant in the November again and we of course have an August due date again. Same as Hope. Though we don't know the gender, part of me thinks if we get a girl this time, we'll be restoring something we lost. Of course I know we wont be. She can't be replaced. She is her own person, just as this baby is. Angus didn't replace her, nor will this baby. But part of me just wants to get it right - get pregnant in the November, deliver a live healthy baby in the August, and if it does turn out to be a girl, then that will be a huge bonus as well.
Missing both of our first born baby girls.