Saturday, February 5, 2011

So, here we are on the other side of two years. You would think I would be over the little things, the surprises that cause the wound to flare up again, but I'm not.

A little girl on TV, about the age you would have been, named Layla. Spending time with a cousin that was born on your due date.

My mother in law and I were going through fabric weeks ago, and she held up a little unfinished dress and told me she thought it would fit an 18 month old girl. My heart twisted in on itself, and that instinctual mother in me, the one who has still not quite reconciled with the fact that I don't actually have an 18 month old daughter, was confused for just a split second before it all settled in again. No little girl to put in dresses.

She is here in my heart, but she is not here. It still feels wrong, sometimes. I still wish I could have both my babies.

4 comments:

New Year Mum said...

Know exactly how you feel... we may never get over the little things, but the big thing is knowing that we're all there for each other around the world. Love your blog and share your pain as a new blogger near the first anniversary of losing my little girl xoxo

butterflymom said...

Those triggers may never go away...but I'm glad they are better. And maybe in some ways the trigger are okay because it may help us continue to share the stories of our babies. Stories that the world should know about. Hang in there, my friend. Sending hugs your way.

Hope's Mama said...

I still want them both as well, and I really don't think it is too much to ask. Little girls do it to me every time.
xo

K said...

Thinking of you. Gosh. I terminated due to medical reasons this past monday and tuesday. Thank you for documenting your story.