She is on my mind a lot today. I don't know why.
I keep thinking about the little things that were lost. The room we never got to decorate. The dresses we never bought. How utterly and completely everything has changed.
And it isn't a bad thing, really. I can't even imagine having a girl anymore. I love having my boy, but I am still a little bitter that it didn't all go right the first time. I'm a little bitter that I didn't really get to enjoy my pregnancy, the good one, because I was so preoccupied with the possibility that it wouldn't last.
We ran into a mom with a three month old at the store yesterday, and she was asking all kinds of questions about the baby and the birth and here I am with this perfect story, beautiful baby, and a...weight. That's the only way I can describe it. It's like a nagging feeling that I am forgetting something. I feel like a fraud. Because I'm not a normal mom, not really. I have all these dark corners, flashbacks of the kinds of moments that nightmares are made of.
I guess what it comes down to is...in my heart, I have two babies. Sometimes there are moments when the world is bustling around me and the subconscious, instinctual mother part of me sort of stops to take count, and there are always two babies there. Only one of them I don't have to wonder about. In fact, I am already finished mothering her.
That's just it, isn't it? She has no diapers to change, no boo-boos to kiss, no piles of clothing to fold and sort through and grow out of. She just came and went and there isn't anything else for me to do. And somehow, I am supposed to be okay with that.
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Born silently into this world on January 9th, 2009. A tiny girl who changed everything without ever taking a breath.
Layla's name from the Names in the Sand memorial site
Layla Wren
Born silently into this world on January 9th, 2009. A tiny girl who changed everything without ever taking a breath.
Always Remembered
Layla's name from the Names in the Sand memorial site
This Place
This is an outlet for the thoughts, the memories that swim in my head at every moment. This is a place to tell my story. This is a way to share my pain with others who have been there...or not. This is a window into my journey as I rediscover who I am and what I am becoming after the loss of my first child.
Honored...
4 comments:
Although, I do not have two babies...I understand the feeling of not accomplishing all you "typically" need to for your baby. It feels out of sorts...undone. But somehow we do need to find some sort of contentment knowing that our job is remembering and honoring our babies the best we can from here on out. It's also knowing our babies are watching over us and wanting us to complete the rest of our "jobs." Take care.
I'm not sure how we're ever supposed to be ok with it.
I get this post, I really do.
xo
Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I lost my first and am TTC now. I feel like I am a Mom, but there is nothing more I can physically do for my baby, ever, and it breaks my heart. I find it especially hard to see mothers breastfeeding right now for some reason. Jacob shouldn't even have been born yet, but it drives me nuts that I will never get to do that, and so many other things, with him.
Although our babies are gone, I feel like I do still mother Jacob a bit. I take care of his things, I talk to him all the time, I talk about him all the time when someone will listen. And I worry about him....is he happy, is he at peace, did he feel any pain.
I better stop now or I'm going to have a full-out cry and have to go hide somewhere at work.
You really have a way of putting things so I just go "YES! THAT!" <3
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